To the guy I adore,

I met you over 4 years ago when I had started a new part of my life. I got to know you quite well and all of a sudden, I really liked you. You said you liked me to but nothing ever happened.
I understand part of it was because of me being shy and wanting a friend with me, instead of being alone talking to you..but it was because I liked you.
One night we spent a whole night talking on the phone and even though I was crying about another guy, it's something I secretly always treasured.
Because now I realise that the guy I was talking to, is someone I didn't think I would have feelings for these many years later.
A day before camp, one of my friends told me that they liked you to...that was strange for me because I really did like you and it was a weird situation to be in.
I remember trying to get up the courage to go and talk to you and for someone who is shy, that was a huge step. I finally did, I remember feeling happy, happy to be by your side, however the world happened and that moment was over, though - maybe it was already over before. I remember you didn't sound too keen and at the camp dinner one night, it seemed like you ignored me and well, as an emotional teenager, naturally I went to the bathroom and cried with my friends by my side because I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and what you didn't like...

We graduated school and I remember feeling happy inside to have even talked to you at formal, even though you were there with someone who wasn't me but who became a friend after school had finished. She was beautiful.
I Tried to be happy for you but deep down it was really hard. 
Since graduating, we have talked on and off however, there was a little situation in there when a whole big thing happened and but we got over that.
I have always wanted and tried, successfully and also failing, wanted to be a girl who doesn't be loved up by a guy just because he complimented me. Though, with you - I couldn't help myself. 
You gave some nice compliments, whether you mean't it or not, it was nice. 
I also recall you saying that you feel stupid and angry at yourself because you didn't take the chance to be with me when you wanted to and could have. That, at the time made me silent, I had no words but now, I think that if you really wanted something, you would have gone for it, no matter what. You would have done it, but maybe you didn't really want it? or cared to much what other friends thought?

I'm writing this because I don't know how to say all this to you and to this day, there is something about you that I can't figure out, something about you that makes me have these feelings about you and sometimes, you consume my mind, my thoughts, my dreams and it hurts my heart. - I Can't explain it, I try to ignore you and not talk to you because it is the only way to try and get over you, but that hasn't worked.
I have talked to multiple people about the situation because even though they know and I know, I should not like you - there is something about you, that makes me. I have no idea what it is.
I want to move on with my life.
Because, I would like to find someone, but every now and then, I get the feeling back and it stinks.

The other day, I caved and talked to you. I did want to generally ask a question but it felt so nice talking to you. The thoughts of you, the feeling they make me tear up, sometimes my dreams with you in it, make me cry going to sleep. The feelings for you, make me cry.
It probably sounds totally weird and am not sure if anyone has experienced it but yeah.
Every time I feel like this I, sometimes feel like an idiot because it's been so long and i dont understand why i feel this way.
I can't help but write about you, write words, poems, to get my feelings out. I never have written poems about anyone before, or anything - my feelings and pain for you, started it all.

You really have hurt me in the past and I dont know why these feelings keep coming back.

I don't really know what the whole point of this was, I think because even though I have the guts admitting to people that I like them, I don't have to guts to open up to you like this. I guess, I also want people to know that if they feel like this, they aren't the only one - i hope i'm not the only one.
Whether, you see it or not, I don't care, I don't expect or want anything from you, even though I feel this way - crazy I know, but I have a feeling, you would probably still ignore my messages anyways. 

The crazy thing is, I don't think that I would ever date you now considering the way I was sometimes treated and I know that you like/love someone else which hurt at first and all but at the end of the day its your choice and this is just how I have felt throughout it all, things I couldn't tell you and thing's I probably should have at the time but no matter what the future holds, I think you'll always have a little place in my heart haha I can't shake you out. I have forever wondered what is wrong with me but think I'm starting to understand.

Like I said, there is just something about you. Something I can't put my finger on. or pin point.


I'm sorry.