Hello Blog readers,

I am so happy because I finally am able to read books again (I had to stop as had to do a huge amount of reading for university but that is over) yipee! well for now anyways!

At the moment, I'm reading - The Secret History but Donna Tartt!! I have seen this book mentioned quite a few times and read that some people have read it over 6 times and some use it as a way to get out of a reading slump (which they do suck) though it is a good idea, I mean, if we find that one book that we adore and cherish, a book that we can read and get out of a slump and keep reading...why would you not do it? 

I'm not that far in as of yet, though can I just say the writing is magical, almost poetry like?! When you read it, it is like your floating on a cloud, or more so - the words are floating on a cloud over your tongue as you read it.

For example: Here are a little snippets of the book - 

- I sat on the bed during the twilight while the walls went from gray to gold to black.

- When i came out of the store, i was happy to find that i still had nearly one hundred dollars. should i go to the bookstore? to the movies? buy a bottle of scotch? in the end, i was so swarmed by the flock if possibilities that drifted up murmuring and smiling to crowd about me on the bright autumn sidewalk that - like a farm boy flustered by a bevy of prostitutes




Ah it's magical!! - I recommend reading it and giving it a try!! Ah even the pages are filled with wonder. 

That Saying 

What would life be like with one hundred percent truths? 

Dear Blog, Internet world, Any insightful people,

The topic for today's post is -
When you've never been in love but keep coming back to the same guy.

You see a few months back I thought that I had gotten over the guy I had a crush on...but fast forward back to now, I'm not so sure and again the questions revolving around love come to mind.

Why do I still feel this way about him?
Why haven't I gotten over him completely?
Why do I feel like I don't like him but deep down I do even when I don't believe it?
What is it like to be in love?
How do I know what love is?
Is loving someone, liking them for over 6 years?
Is it al just in my mind?
Do I feel and think this way because he sometimes doesn't give me attention?
Or do I feel this way because I have a feeling he 'loves' someone else and I
feel like I'm losing him even though    I    don't    even      have     him   and have never technically had him!?

I'm moving on with my life, I have an awesome job. I have met new people. I have had awesome opportunities arise. I earned enough to get the camera that I have wanted for many years. I am saving. I am a good person. I'm still so passionate about writing...
yet....one picture of him and I'm back where I started, one message from him and I'm back where I started, as if the way I feel has never gone away but just been pushed to the back of my head.

What freaks me out is that I'm 22 right - so technically an adult and people are getting into relationships, they are getting engaged, they are moving on.
what freaks me out and bobbles my mind is that, as an adult we should be able to tell people how we feel in an adult mature way, in a way where if its what the other person wants then it will happen, where you can find out how he or she really feels and can possibly move on if the heart allows it. I don't want to grow to 25 or older and not speak out about how I feel.

What frustrates me is that I feel like in 2016 guys still have that way of weighing on us, they are the one who makes the decisions like asking a girl out, I have never thought it is bad or wrong if a girl does it, like go girl - you're brave and I applaud you but I mean what frustrates me is if he doesn't message back yeah sure I feel down and sad and when they do message you, you feel happy, full (in a different way to life filling you up without a guy) and I mean,

for any guys out there, reading this or not - if you like or have liked a girl and they do or don't message back, do you feel the same as girls regarding getting a reply or not?
is it the same?

If it is then that is interesting and makes me feel so much better for feeling like crap when not getting a reply but my main question of this whole blog is - how do you know what love is???

I have had a crush on a guy for over 6 years, as you may have read about in other blog posts and today when he replied to my message I realised that I haven't gotten over him, the feelings are still there. Why have I liked him for so long and what is it?
I don't know its probably just weird and my brain thinking like a nutter but it does make me wonder.

Have you ever questioned what love is and if you're possibly, maybe experiencing it or if you are confused of what it may be? ...............or is it only me?! ha


From
Natalia xx

Lately, I realised that life is art. It just depends on the way you look at it. Right now, I'm sitting on the lounge, looking out into my back garden at the grey rainy sky, the dark green trees and making sure there are no snakes around...

To the guy I adore,

I met you over 4 years ago when I had started a new part of my life. I got to know you quite well and all of a sudden, I really liked you. You said you liked me to but nothing ever happened.
I understand part of it was because of me being shy and wanting a friend with me, instead of being alone talking to you..but it was because I liked you.
One night we spent a whole night talking on the phone and even though I was crying about another guy, it's something I secretly always treasured.
Because now I realise that the guy I was talking to, is someone I didn't think I would have feelings for these many years later.
A day before camp, one of my friends told me that they liked you to...that was strange for me because I really did like you and it was a weird situation to be in.
I remember trying to get up the courage to go and talk to you and for someone who is shy, that was a huge step. I finally did, I remember feeling happy, happy to be by your side, however the world happened and that moment was over, though - maybe it was already over before. I remember you didn't sound too keen and at the camp dinner one night, it seemed like you ignored me and well, as an emotional teenager, naturally I went to the bathroom and cried with my friends by my side because I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and what you didn't like...

We graduated school and I remember feeling happy inside to have even talked to you at formal, even though you were there with someone who wasn't me but who became a friend after school had finished. She was beautiful.
I Tried to be happy for you but deep down it was really hard. 
Since graduating, we have talked on and off however, there was a little situation in there when a whole big thing happened and but we got over that.
I have always wanted and tried, successfully and also failing, wanted to be a girl who doesn't be loved up by a guy just because he complimented me. Though, with you - I couldn't help myself. 
You gave some nice compliments, whether you mean't it or not, it was nice. 
I also recall you saying that you feel stupid and angry at yourself because you didn't take the chance to be with me when you wanted to and could have. That, at the time made me silent, I had no words but now, I think that if you really wanted something, you would have gone for it, no matter what. You would have done it, but maybe you didn't really want it? or cared to much what other friends thought?

I'm writing this because I don't know how to say all this to you and to this day, there is something about you that I can't figure out, something about you that makes me have these feelings about you and sometimes, you consume my mind, my thoughts, my dreams and it hurts my heart. - I Can't explain it, I try to ignore you and not talk to you because it is the only way to try and get over you, but that hasn't worked.
I have talked to multiple people about the situation because even though they know and I know, I should not like you - there is something about you, that makes me. I have no idea what it is.
I want to move on with my life.
Because, I would like to find someone, but every now and then, I get the feeling back and it stinks.

The other day, I caved and talked to you. I did want to generally ask a question but it felt so nice talking to you. The thoughts of you, the feeling they make me tear up, sometimes my dreams with you in it, make me cry going to sleep. The feelings for you, make me cry.
It probably sounds totally weird and am not sure if anyone has experienced it but yeah.
Every time I feel like this I, sometimes feel like an idiot because it's been so long and i dont understand why i feel this way.
I can't help but write about you, write words, poems, to get my feelings out. I never have written poems about anyone before, or anything - my feelings and pain for you, started it all.

You really have hurt me in the past and I dont know why these feelings keep coming back.

I don't really know what the whole point of this was, I think because even though I have the guts admitting to people that I like them, I don't have to guts to open up to you like this. I guess, I also want people to know that if they feel like this, they aren't the only one - i hope i'm not the only one.
Whether, you see it or not, I don't care, I don't expect or want anything from you, even though I feel this way - crazy I know, but I have a feeling, you would probably still ignore my messages anyways. 

The crazy thing is, I don't think that I would ever date you now considering the way I was sometimes treated and I know that you like/love someone else which hurt at first and all but at the end of the day its your choice and this is just how I have felt throughout it all, things I couldn't tell you and thing's I probably should have at the time but no matter what the future holds, I think you'll always have a little place in my heart haha I can't shake you out. I have forever wondered what is wrong with me but think I'm starting to understand.

Like I said, there is just something about you. Something I can't put my finger on. or pin point.


I'm sorry.